Handcar Regatta

The Fabulous* Tale of
Erasmus P. Kitty

Erasmus P. Kitty was born November 29 in an unknown year during a disastrous cyclone in India with terrible winds and a giant 40 foot storm surge, wiping out the port city of Coringa.

His parents were Carractucus and Hortense Kitty who were purveyors and exporters of spices to the British Crown. His father was killed during the storm while stranded on a floating log with a tiger. Young Erasmus’ mother lost her arm in the storm and his first project, at the tender age of 10 years, was to build her a mechanical arm.

He was raised by his mother and her brother Lord Hightinkle at his rambling manor house in Chugghaven-on-Spratt.

As an adult, Dr. Erasmus P. Kitty, inventor, engineer and dentist of no small import (or ego), founded the Handcar Regatta right here in Santa Rosa’s picturesque West End in 1872.

Dr. Kitty’s pioneering work in high-pressure, steam-powered, dentistry was considerably ahead of its time and, though he was ushered unceremoniously out of the West End by an unappreciative mob of angry, toothless Santa Rosans in the spring of 1873, his enthusiasm and ingenuity is certainly not forgotten.

It is in the spirit of this great (if somewhat misguided) inventor that we have revived his annual event designed to stimulate both the arts and sciences!

* And we mean fabulous as in fable, not well dressed (though he certainly cuts a dapper figure).

E.P. Kitty’s Family and Associates of Dubious Repute

All portraits hand-drawn by Sarah Dungan, Industrial Fairytale.
Click the portraits for larger views.

Eulalie “Kitty” Kitty
Dr. Kitty’s beloved and long-suffering wife. Founded the Santa Rosa Ladies’ Elocution and Edification Society. Mrs. “Kitty” Kitty enjoys a quiet existence and grounds Dr. Kitty with her simple manner and common sense. She often takes notes when Dr. Kitty goes into his trance-like state of deep inspiration when brainstorming his invention ideas. She manages to interpret Dr. Kitty’s largely senseless musings into functional concepts, often interjecting her own working ideas without Dr. Kitty’s knowledge.

Ambrose, Lord Hightinkle, OBE
Dr. Kitty’s eccentric, slightly inbred and fabulously wealthy English uncle. A bit of a masochist, he enjoys many of Dr. Kitty’s devices and contraptions in his rambling manor house in Chugghaven-on-Spratt. Rather fond of Erasmus and especially of Axel Husifest whom he likens to a sort of rough and tumble Grecian model. Lord Hightinkle is known throughout the better salons in Europe for his droll wit and spirited soirees befitting the sultans of Siam. He is said to have once won a mysterious wager with Prince Albert whose trial was to endure an entire evening wearing little more than a hand towel in a bathhouse of Hightinkle’s choice.

Professor Throckmorton B. Quimby
Dr. Kitty’s long-suffering medical school teacher. An extremely elderly teacher at Crumblewood Polytechnical University. A gentleman of great patience and a soft spot for Erasmus. Throckmorton is known for such groundbreaking medical concoctions as the Sinus Evacuation and Analysis Probe, Uvula Tensile Massage Therapy, and the Bristled Dental Hygiene Shank.

Axel Husifest
Dr. Kitty’s right hand in the mechanical shed. He builds most of the contraptions and makes them actually work. Kitty says “that’s not supposed to go there” Axel agrees and usually does what the hell he wants regardless. When the latest device successfully flies, sails, burns or chugs (in contrast to the proposed plans Axel received) Kitty then says, “Of course, that’s the way I designed it!” Mr. Husifest is noted for having warned dirigible manufacturers against the use of highly flammable gases.

Liu “Louie” Shaoqui
Restauranteur and Dr. Kitty’s best friend and confidant to Mrs. “Kitty” Kitty. Shaoqui tries to keep Erasmus’ feet on the ground and frequently fails. Erasmus believes Louie possesses mysterious “powers” of the Orient, a constant source of irritation to Louie who does what he can to disabuse him of the notion. Louie has been steadily failing at his own invention of field-ready lunchbox Dim Sum meals.

J.R. “Burbles” McGinty
Circus owner, charlatan, confidence man, ascended master and snake-oil peddler. Burbles is forever indebted to Dr. Kitty for the herbal mixture mistake that became his most celebrated top-seller: J.R. “Burbles” McGinty’s Universal Monkey Salve and Efficacious Decontaminant.

Madame Olga Dubiouskaya (a.k.a. Noreen McGinty)
Clairvoyant, palmist, tarot reader and total fraud. She’s the daughter of “Burbles” McGinty and has a titanic crush on Erasmus. She once feigned a broken leg after a “slip” upon her petticoats while sneaking about Erasmus’ workshop. Her pleas fell on deaf ears unfortunately as, at that moment, Dr. Kitty descended into one of his usual “Transe de l’Inspiration”. Noreen eventually gave up after some two hours in an uncomfortable position upon the floor and left the shop while Erasmus spouted what amounted to an engineer’s version “speaking in tongues”.

Tillie the Elephant & Gracchus the Monkey
Tillie lifts all the heavy equipment. She was very high strung and needed constant calming and soothing when in a state (which was frequent). Went on frequent rampages destroying delicate equipment.

Gracchus, an irritable Capuchin Monkey and laboratory pet of Dr. Kitty. Has bitten untold numbers of people. Dr. Kitty once purchased a case of McGinty’s Universal Monkey Salve and Efficacious Decontaminant, which is how he met Burbles.

Other Curious Characters Known to Dr. Kitty

Nimrod R. “Crowbait” Mudsill, esq.
Dealer in mechanical goods of questionable origins and collector of automatons including other mysterious apparatuses from the Orient. Mudsill is always peddling bits to Erasmus that Axel must somehow repair and utilize, though Axel accommodates the hassle in exchange for rare items of engineering beauty. A charming huckster and operator with mysterious intentions, Mudsill has one rather stiff left hand that is never parted from a black glove while it faintly whirs and ticks like a pocket watch. He is apt to disappear immediately after a sale and constantly uses Dr. Kitty as his mark.

Cecil Merriwether Kitty
Erasmus’ smarter and more handsome brother who, despite his keen intelligence and princely elegance, never seems to be as successful as the somewhat blundering Erasmus. Cecil obsessively dotes on etiquette and the comportment of himself and of others. Despite approximately 100 years since its fashion, Cecil is enamored with floral nose powders exclusively from Vienna and dainty buckles upon his shoes. He also collects rare fine china tea service with which he sips alone while imagining the company of the Queen. When confronted with insults such as “Foppish Jack” or “Dandikins” he seems genuinely confused.

Aurelia “Kilkenny Cat” Jefferson
Railnaut extraordinaire and multiple record holder for handcar time trials from New Amsterdam to the Barbary Coast. She’s also the first African American woman racing pilot and aviatrix. She founded the Young Ladies’ Society of Scientific Inquiry and Atmospheric Anomalies. Being both strikingly gorgeous and vicious in competition (from which she received her nickname), Aurelia manages to race as both the crowd’s favorite underdog and reigning champion in every event she has ever entered.

Coweena McDermott
Madame, 49er, local booster, activist, saloon keeper, all round swell gal. Fabulously wealthy from her days in the gold country, Coweena is a pillar of society despite the disapproval of the ladies of Santa Rosa. Notwithstanding the hypocritical morals of those around her, Coweena is active in lending support and voice to the many “soiled doves” who find their battered way to her. Ms. McDermott is the owner of the Morningwood Stream Dude Ranch where Erasmus is occasionally found relaxing and plying his inventive mind to enhanced dental techniques he tests on the unsuspecting young ladies lodging there.